That Boy

"Set me free, leave me be. I don't wanna fall another moment into you gravity."

~Sara Bareilles

This is the kid that I can't get out of my head. He's tall, handsome and I can't stop thinking about him. Everything about him I hate.. He's just a BOY. He's pathetic, he can't seem to get off of this girl who can't even seem to treat him right, he is so stubborn, he's persistant. So if he is everything I hate, why would I give everything to be with him, right now?

I'm just going to lay it all out there. Like this is an AA meeting or something of that kind. I've been shoving this feeling inside of me for months. MONTHS. I am stuck on him. The fact that I can't go a single day without thinking about him or his well being is agonizing. And I'm searching, struggling, grasping at thin air trying to figure out why the hell I'm stuck on him.

I mean for example. I could go around ranting how I hate this kid, won't ever talk to him again and then he comes out of know where with that STUPID goofy smile and slides his arms around me and there. I'm where I want to be, no matter how much I just want to knock his lights out.

I could cry writing this, literally. I have already once tonight, I feel like, to simply put it, a pathetic counter-part of him. And that's not cute.

Can I shake this? Should I even try? I have so much more to want and live for than to run around trying for this kid's affections. I'm not some Disney Princess. I want to be free of this. So please set me free..

Free Write #1

"Any thought that is passed through the subconscious often enough and convincingly enough is finally accepted."

~Robert Collier

(I'll give you a rundown on what is about to happen in this blog post. I am setting my timer for about 10 minutes and in those minutes, I will try to record every thought that comes into my mind whether insignificant or monumental. Enjoy taking a peak into my subconscious. Please note, some names have been changed.)

Now that I'm finally in this writing stage, I don't know what to write about. Amber is messaging me on facebook and I am extremely tempted to click to that tab. I have to urinate. I wonder why I used the word urinate. No one will read this, except Jack. Oh Jack, what to do with you. I wonder if Jack knows who Jack is. Oh well. Now two notifications on Facebook. I want to click over. I am OCD about stuff like this. After this session is done, I'll have to go back and edit words I've obviously spelled wrong and make this post like the rest for a uniform blog look. Not that anyone cares, they aren't reading this.

My fingers are insanely cold. They should invent snuggies for fingers. Wouldn't that be gloves?? I'm an idiot. I'm having trouble physically typing. Tyrone is not a good driver. Well, he is, but he gets into whatever he is talking about and man, he gets distracted. Seven and a half minutes to go. I like my finger nails, but I don't like my fingernails. I wonder if I should go watch Matilda at Aimee's house on Friday. Is Jack a good codename? I think about him a lot I suppose. I have figured out what to do with that situation, but I'm hesitant to tell him. I don't want to change my mind again. If he reads this, I'm sure he could figure it out. I'm glad he's patient. Unlike my bladder.

Amber is messaging me more, I think. The tab is continually flashing, but I do not want to corrupt my stream of consciousness. It's not that interesting, actually. When I don't have a story to tell or a purpose to write about, I am just a rambler. 3 minutes left. I like writing. I've already pre-named this Free Write #1 because I hope there will be a #2 or #3 in days to come. Seeeeex. I am obsessed. I laugh a lot, I suppose. My laugh is obnoxious. Dr. Spottke would be so proud. I'm excited to take Psychology, that after all, is my major. What if I hate it? Oh God. Change in major, anyone?? I don't want to have to do that; the answer center line makes me want to puke. I'm not a nice enough person sometimes. I'm working on that though. Time is almost up. This was fun. Oh well. I'm black.

Time.