DISCLAIMER: I started this blog post with no intention to rage as hard as I did, but since I did, do not read with a judgemental heart or an expectation for this post. It's just a rant and a rage and a chance to really get this off my chest.
I have changed a bit, as a person. It really is safe to say that. I've really been dealing with a certain kind of broken heart that just won't go away. Mostly because I choose to ignore it, I choose to push it to the back of my mind, and I choose not to acknowledge the fact that I was deeply and devastatingly crushed. It's like refusing to grief. I needed to grieve to get over it, but since I refused to, I am left with a broken heart and a lot of bitterness. And hell, since no one is going to read this blog, I'm going to put it all out there.
I was betrayed by a good friend. Or maybe I just thought he was a good friend. Maybe I need to redefine my definition. And I believe I loved him, once upon a time. But not all fairy tales end with "and they lived happily ever after, the end." In fact, this story in my life ended with "I can't believe after everything I tried to do for him, he just ditched me like that and pretended I'm not relevant to life and like I wasn't apart of his for his own journey, what a jackass." Long winded, unnecessary, but frankly, it feels really good to just say how I feel. He hurt me. He really did. And why I was so hurt was so simple; I was invested in him more than just a friend. I needed him to be emotionally okay so I could be emotionally okay. Because I was invested. And I don't take to being ignored lightly. I'm Adriana McGee. I'm loud and opinionated, but to be frank, when I want people to hear me, they shut the hell up and listen. So the fact that this boy that was going through a hard time wouldn't just listen to my desperate screams for him to just be okay irked me. And when he finally decided to just listen and consider, I was okay.
And then what? I was left thinking that he was going to be okay and our friendship would grow from me being selfless and trying to help him. 1. I wasn't being selfless, I was being downright selfish. I wanted him to be okay for me. 2. Our friendship was a one way street. I forever poured into him and he took and took and took until I had nothing but bitterness and hatred to give back. I thought I had fixed him. I thought I fixed us. But when I saw him in public and he blatantly ignored me, it cut me so deep. I literally felt my heart shatter. It just broke. So much pain. So much resentment and anger. And I hated him. I still hate him. He is the inspiration of pathetic, angry 4:30 am blog posts. I hate that. And I hate whoever tries to tell me he is a good guy, he deserves a second chance, or that he might be hurting too.
I have had to nurse a broken heart all by myself for the longest time. And that's why I am still hung up. I can't get over that. I can't get over that I don't have any friends that aren't judgemental or trustworthy that would really understand where I'm at. I get the, "you'll get over it." And that pisses me off and just makes me want to push them away. So I fix my own broken heart.
~AGM
No comments:
Post a Comment