Anger, Bitterness, and a Broken Heart

DISCLAIMER: I started this blog post with no intention to rage as hard as I did, but since I did, do not read with a judgemental heart or an expectation for this post. It's just a rant and a rage and a chance to really get this off my chest.

I was trying to find a quote to start this blog post off but alas. Nothing. Nothing to really describe what's happened to me since I last blogged. I feel like loads and loads have changed but in all actuality, not much has.

I have changed a bit, as a person. It really is safe to say that. I've really been dealing with a certain kind of broken heart that just won't go away. Mostly because I choose to ignore it, I choose to push it to the back of my mind, and I choose not to acknowledge the fact that I was deeply and devastatingly crushed. It's like refusing to grief. I needed to grieve to get over it, but since I refused to, I am left with a broken heart and a lot of bitterness. And hell, since no one is going to read this blog, I'm going to put it all out there.

I was betrayed by a good friend. Or maybe I just thought he was a good friend. Maybe I need to redefine my definition. And I believe I loved him, once upon a time. But not all fairy tales end with "and they lived happily ever after, the end." In fact, this story in my life ended with "I can't believe after everything I tried to do for him, he just ditched me like that and pretended I'm not relevant to life and like I wasn't apart of his for his own journey, what a jackass." Long winded, unnecessary, but frankly, it feels really good to just say how I feel. He hurt me. He really did. And why I was so hurt was so simple; I was invested in him more than just a friend. I needed him to be emotionally okay so I could be emotionally okay. Because I was invested. And I don't take to being ignored lightly. I'm Adriana McGee. I'm loud and opinionated, but to be frank, when I want people to hear me, they shut the hell up and listen. So the fact that this boy that was going through a hard time wouldn't just listen to my desperate screams for him to just be okay irked me. And when he finally decided to just listen and consider, I was okay.

And then what? I was left thinking that he was going to be okay and our friendship would grow from me being selfless and trying to help him. 1. I wasn't being selfless, I was being downright selfish. I wanted him to be okay for me. 2. Our friendship was a one way street. I forever poured into him and he took and took and took until I had nothing but bitterness and hatred to give back. I thought I had fixed him. I thought I fixed us. But when I saw him in public and he blatantly ignored me, it cut me so deep. I literally felt my heart shatter. It just broke. So much pain. So much resentment and anger. And I hated him. I still hate him. He is the inspiration of pathetic, angry 4:30 am blog posts. I hate that. And I hate whoever tries to tell me he is a good guy, he deserves a second chance, or that he might be hurting too.

I have had to nurse a broken heart all by myself for the longest time. And that's why I am still hung up. I can't get over that. I can't get over that I don't have any friends that aren't judgemental or trustworthy that would really understand where I'm at. I get the, "you'll get over it." And that pisses me off and just makes me want to push them away. So I fix my own broken heart.

~AGM

Life as I Know It

"I sing, I dream, I love anyways."

-Martina McBride

I have neglected my poor blog; it was practically dusting off spider webs opening the web page to get to it. Well I guess we can call this the catch-up post then, since I'll be giving a break down of the last few months. But hey, the feeling of insomnia that hangs around me until I was to do something important is diminishing and my feeling of necessity to do this blog post is fading quickly with it. So I am going to write this is list-paragraph forms. I find these more enjoyable to do and less of a homework assignment, even though I am writing about my own life. The soundtrack of my post tonight is Mumford and Sons, currently Sigh No More, so forgive me if my post sounds a tad depressing or blunt. It is a good song though.

Fine Arts. I lead the best human video in the world to nationals. We started in January, but we legitamently had issues gathering all of our people (a human video consists of typically ten people) for the human. Many join in and drop outs, but seemingly at the nick of time, we gathered ten kids. And I genuinely love each one of them. Devante was my baby; he was the youngest of the group and I was quite protective of him. He picked up the phrase "screw you" in out practices; I had to correct that right away. Poor impressionable thing. Sarah was certainly the most dedicated. Always doing what she had to, to get to practice, to get us ten people, to help me out with an understanding ear whenever I got insanely frustrated with the group. Jhene always was a pleasure, with her understanding of my black side and her witty, challenging remarks forever retorting with mine. She's my precious rock. Courtney just needs guidance, but she's forever avoiding it. We all know she needs it, but we'll avoid it as long as she does; there is no reason for me to force myself onto her. I love her feisty spirit though. I see a lot of her in me. Angel is forever YOLO-ing, and keeping her distance also, but in less of a careful way. She's smart, and talented and she knows how to make a group laugh, or better, love her. Caden and Will were God-sends; I have no idea were to start with them. The lacrosse playing brothers were a bit weary at first and I don't blame them. Some churches can be scary with the whole threat of being judged constantly and stuff. Believe me, I know. They are joys, pranksters, strong in every sense of the word. And they came to church last wednesday. It made me incredibly happy to see them there. Jamie is a little weirdo who likes to send me memes on my phone. My background is actually the "No." one. It reminds me of them and makes me smile, so I keep it, no matter how weird I seem. Bradley is obsessed with reptiles, and rocks. I made him a paper plate award, and gave him a rock; he named it Jeffery and carries it around everywhere. He's my little kid. Kenny takes what I say, and repeats it. "Your mom" comes out of his mouth every other sentence; he learned from the best. And I'm blessed to be taking them all to nationals, even though the road was emotional and rocky at first.

Relationships. This section won't be too long, but I've ended some and started some. I've been rethinking about the ended ones, but I haven't seen signs from the universe (or anything really) to try to make me change my mind. Other than some dreams... But they haven't been to positive. But the started friendships are extraordinarily positive. I love my new friends. I still have my old ones, but I am just expanding my circle and there is really nothing better. I've had a few crushes (but hell, I'm a serial crusher, you can't even blame me) and I've had a few people crush on me. I'm just living life right now and I'm happy for the most part.

And right now my exhaustion is sinking in, and I can't think of another category to throw the rest of my life in. It's just been good. I enjoyed school for the most part (I'd really rather not take another 8:30am class again) and I've decided I really like psychology. It really makes me clique, and I have empathy for others that I've come to be able to harness. I've been emotional but kept that mostly to myself; there's no reason for me to be bother other people with my nonsensical bull. I'll try to write more, but I always say that, so no more broken promises to myself.

And I'm feeling good.

Letting Go

"Some of us think that holding on makes us strong; but sometimes it is letting go."

~ Hermann Hesse

Letting go of what, Adriana? Nothing really in particular, but at the same time, letting go of everything. This isn't a entry about a boy. This isn't directed to anyone in general. Anyone who reads this, I challenge you to take a second and think about whatever you need to just let go. I feel our generation, no matter how unique, different, or hipster we try to get, we have a tendency to hold on to something. Not because it's important or good for us, but because our pirde makes us cling.

 We feel a lot of the time that it's our sole duty to be stuck on things, hold onto things, just live portions of our lives around these things. We let them define us. For example. I know a boy who's father slapped him across the face everytime he was disrespectful and his father always said "I have the right to abuse you." Now, the now young man doesn't even like the word abuse.

I understand. I understand that what people go through is traumatic. I understand more than most.  But you can't just say you're messed up for life and leave it at that. You're going to hold onto that and just say you're damaged and life will move on without you? That's weak. As a whole, our generation thrives on being strong, independent. But how can we claim that with honesty and sincerity?

I'm not one to judge. I've gone through this very thing. I held onto something for so long, and I tried to get off by saying I was damaged and that was how it was meant to be. Yes, I was damaged, but how I handled it determined me as a person. And I was a weak person. Oprah once said, "You are responsible for your own life. You can't keep blaming someone else for your dysfunction. Life really is about moving on." I agree. So I'll offer ways to get over and let go of whatever you're holding onto.

If it's in the past, it's in the past. There is nothing you can do to change it. No matter who hurt you, left you, what you did, or who you hurt. You cannot change the past, so stop dwelling on it. Next, you forgive. Yourself, the person, the item, the circumstance. You forgive it. And if you say, "Oh yes yes. I have forgiven them! All is well", but you find yourself bitter and angry and hurt, then no. You haven't truly forgiven them. "Forgiveness is an attribute of the strong," said Ghandi. Isn't that what we thrive on as a generation? Strength. And finally, you grow from it. I cannot give advice on how you are suppose to grow because everyone is unique. But just grow. Find something good out of it and grow.

Because if our generation could learn to just grow up, we'd be in a good place.

That Boy

"Set me free, leave me be. I don't wanna fall another moment into you gravity."

~Sara Bareilles

This is the kid that I can't get out of my head. He's tall, handsome and I can't stop thinking about him. Everything about him I hate.. He's just a BOY. He's pathetic, he can't seem to get off of this girl who can't even seem to treat him right, he is so stubborn, he's persistant. So if he is everything I hate, why would I give everything to be with him, right now?

I'm just going to lay it all out there. Like this is an AA meeting or something of that kind. I've been shoving this feeling inside of me for months. MONTHS. I am stuck on him. The fact that I can't go a single day without thinking about him or his well being is agonizing. And I'm searching, struggling, grasping at thin air trying to figure out why the hell I'm stuck on him.

I mean for example. I could go around ranting how I hate this kid, won't ever talk to him again and then he comes out of know where with that STUPID goofy smile and slides his arms around me and there. I'm where I want to be, no matter how much I just want to knock his lights out.

I could cry writing this, literally. I have already once tonight, I feel like, to simply put it, a pathetic counter-part of him. And that's not cute.

Can I shake this? Should I even try? I have so much more to want and live for than to run around trying for this kid's affections. I'm not some Disney Princess. I want to be free of this. So please set me free..

Free Write #1

"Any thought that is passed through the subconscious often enough and convincingly enough is finally accepted."

~Robert Collier

(I'll give you a rundown on what is about to happen in this blog post. I am setting my timer for about 10 minutes and in those minutes, I will try to record every thought that comes into my mind whether insignificant or monumental. Enjoy taking a peak into my subconscious. Please note, some names have been changed.)

Now that I'm finally in this writing stage, I don't know what to write about. Amber is messaging me on facebook and I am extremely tempted to click to that tab. I have to urinate. I wonder why I used the word urinate. No one will read this, except Jack. Oh Jack, what to do with you. I wonder if Jack knows who Jack is. Oh well. Now two notifications on Facebook. I want to click over. I am OCD about stuff like this. After this session is done, I'll have to go back and edit words I've obviously spelled wrong and make this post like the rest for a uniform blog look. Not that anyone cares, they aren't reading this.

My fingers are insanely cold. They should invent snuggies for fingers. Wouldn't that be gloves?? I'm an idiot. I'm having trouble physically typing. Tyrone is not a good driver. Well, he is, but he gets into whatever he is talking about and man, he gets distracted. Seven and a half minutes to go. I like my finger nails, but I don't like my fingernails. I wonder if I should go watch Matilda at Aimee's house on Friday. Is Jack a good codename? I think about him a lot I suppose. I have figured out what to do with that situation, but I'm hesitant to tell him. I don't want to change my mind again. If he reads this, I'm sure he could figure it out. I'm glad he's patient. Unlike my bladder.

Amber is messaging me more, I think. The tab is continually flashing, but I do not want to corrupt my stream of consciousness. It's not that interesting, actually. When I don't have a story to tell or a purpose to write about, I am just a rambler. 3 minutes left. I like writing. I've already pre-named this Free Write #1 because I hope there will be a #2 or #3 in days to come. Seeeeex. I am obsessed. I laugh a lot, I suppose. My laugh is obnoxious. Dr. Spottke would be so proud. I'm excited to take Psychology, that after all, is my major. What if I hate it? Oh God. Change in major, anyone?? I don't want to have to do that; the answer center line makes me want to puke. I'm not a nice enough person sometimes. I'm working on that though. Time is almost up. This was fun. Oh well. I'm black.

Time.

5 Ways to Get Me to Love You

♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥

Treat me like a princess. This whole "I'm such a bad ass, please pay me more attention while I sit and treat you like you're not important to me" stuff that people do nowadays is not CUTE.

Treat me equally. Just because I'm the girl in the relationship does not mean that all of a sudden you're dominate and you can tell me what to do or boss me around. I'm not a child, and I don't enjoy that. I do enjoy being assertive, but there is a difference!

Listen to me. I mean really listen to me, remember what I say, and don't get pissed when I get agitated when I figure out you weren't listening. I'm always going to listen to you, so that's what I ask of you.

Be chivalrous. While most believe chivalry is dead, I just like to think of it as a rare and forgotten art. But that's what it takes for me. I don't care who you are, you are not too tough to open a freaking door for me. So shallow your pride, and do it. It makes me feel special, and you're more likely to get more of a reaction and more out of me than if you are just that ordinary date.

Love me for me. Don't compare me to other girls. Call me beautiful, even when I'm looking or acting like a troll. I have my moments, everyone does. But if you find yourself going "Well, my ex Shelia didn't do that," we are going to have a problem. I'm me. If you want me, acknowledge that. I'm done trying to be that girl everyone wants me to me, so it would mean the world if you just supported me for me.

And that should do it. If you are all of the above (looks don't REALLY matter, but it wouldn't hurt if I drooled over you from time to time), then I should just go weak in the knees. I'm not too demanding. I'm not high maintenance. I am just looking for those five little things, and we are set.

Late Nights and Facebook Prayers

"This is the time when I do my most thinking. I'm awake, but I don't want to speak. I am alert, but I just want to sleep. And all the while, I feel like I am sinking."

            I'm listening to All Time Low tonight, because that band makes me so incredibly happy. The lyrics of some of their songs are shallow, as to be expected with an alternative band. They have to play into the people who couldn't care less if they disbanded or broke up. But the songs that make you feel something, that make you think, and care, and breathe with a little less ease; those are the songs I live for. They catch the mood of me tonight brilliantly. I'm listening to Lullabies; it's a song originally about the death of the lead singer, Alex Gaskarth's, brother. I'm not taking it literally, as no one has died in my immediate family, or even in my friend base. It's more of a symbolic type of thing. Relationships that I wish I could say I still held close to my heart have simply died. I find it hard to think about these people, to converse with them, to even look them in their eyes.

I'm young. Aren't my relationships supposed to prosper and be healthy and bouncy and wha-la! Perfection! I can't even pass someone on the street driving without feeling like someone shoved a knife into my heart. But hell, how am I suppose to really know what it all means? I am young. Maybe it was something I missed. Maybe perphaps I was too overbearing. I shouldn't even say relationships. It's one. And when I say relationship, I do not mean "Oh we dated, and fell off." No, I mean, friends. And if someone is a true friend, they stay until the bitter end, I suppose. Doesn't keep the sting away.

It's less than a week away from Christmas. Somehow, I don't really feel the spirit of Christmas around. As I get older, I can see more and more the STRESS of Christmas, and not the pure jolly joy it's supposed to bring. My best friend and I keep talking each other down from our own cliffs, no one I know is financially stable enough to be happy around this time, and everyone is falling apart. I'm leading a prayer on Facebook, asking God for money to just pick up and get the hell out of here. We can't really be happy. It doesn't look like anyone is. Merry Christmas?

However bad it may seem though, I have clothes on my back, breath in my lungs, and a mind of my own. I'm surviving because of the fact I don't need anyone. I don't need anyone to survive. And I am a survivor because frankly, there is no other option.

~AGM