Late Nights and Facebook Prayers

"This is the time when I do my most thinking. I'm awake, but I don't want to speak. I am alert, but I just want to sleep. And all the while, I feel like I am sinking."

            I'm listening to All Time Low tonight, because that band makes me so incredibly happy. The lyrics of some of their songs are shallow, as to be expected with an alternative band. They have to play into the people who couldn't care less if they disbanded or broke up. But the songs that make you feel something, that make you think, and care, and breathe with a little less ease; those are the songs I live for. They catch the mood of me tonight brilliantly. I'm listening to Lullabies; it's a song originally about the death of the lead singer, Alex Gaskarth's, brother. I'm not taking it literally, as no one has died in my immediate family, or even in my friend base. It's more of a symbolic type of thing. Relationships that I wish I could say I still held close to my heart have simply died. I find it hard to think about these people, to converse with them, to even look them in their eyes.

I'm young. Aren't my relationships supposed to prosper and be healthy and bouncy and wha-la! Perfection! I can't even pass someone on the street driving without feeling like someone shoved a knife into my heart. But hell, how am I suppose to really know what it all means? I am young. Maybe it was something I missed. Maybe perphaps I was too overbearing. I shouldn't even say relationships. It's one. And when I say relationship, I do not mean "Oh we dated, and fell off." No, I mean, friends. And if someone is a true friend, they stay until the bitter end, I suppose. Doesn't keep the sting away.

It's less than a week away from Christmas. Somehow, I don't really feel the spirit of Christmas around. As I get older, I can see more and more the STRESS of Christmas, and not the pure jolly joy it's supposed to bring. My best friend and I keep talking each other down from our own cliffs, no one I know is financially stable enough to be happy around this time, and everyone is falling apart. I'm leading a prayer on Facebook, asking God for money to just pick up and get the hell out of here. We can't really be happy. It doesn't look like anyone is. Merry Christmas?

However bad it may seem though, I have clothes on my back, breath in my lungs, and a mind of my own. I'm surviving because of the fact I don't need anyone. I don't need anyone to survive. And I am a survivor because frankly, there is no other option.

~AGM